The chick/gay factor: why pussy-footing around your builder doesn’t work

Aware that some men think I’m a bit of a ball-breaker, I thought trying to appear a little bit softer might be the way to get on with my builder. Bigotry bends for no one however.

Blonde moment ten - Ugly behaviour rarely gets better
From the time building started in September 2002 to the time that I officially terminated the contract in mid-2003, I had a million and one signals to wind up the builder’s contract as soon as possible. But I didn’t know where that would leave me, so for months I ignored the warning signs and took a whole lot of crap I still can’t believe I did.

Even as early as November 2002 I had a run-in with the builder that should have meant he was out of there pronto. At a site meeting I noticed that all the plumbing was in the wrong spot.

When I told him (nicely) he said, ‘Oh yeah, I already know about that. It’s being moved.’ (At the time I didn’t even think about the penetrations they were making in the slab and the possible effect on the termite barrier and structural integrity, until much later when my building consultant became involved).

I then commented that the space for the glass bricks was in the wrong place. ‘They’ve actually put it in the place where the floor-to-ceiling cupboards are going. They are marked on the plan,’ I said, trying to remain very polite.

After agreeing they would be moved, I then gingerly broached a tough subject. I said that I just wondered, out of curiosity, how he was going to tie down the roof, as another builder friend had driven by and rung me immediately to tell me that it wasn’t the accepted method, not that I mentioned that.

Just because it’s your house …

Faster than a Porsche from zero to a hundred, the builder started yelling at me. ‘How dare you ask me how I’m going to build this thing. You’re only here to pay the bills and choose colours. Get off the property. You shouldn’t even be here anyhow - so get off - now.’

I tried to speak . . .‘I’m not discussing it - get off!’ the builder screamed at me.

Hear it from others

How audacious to ask a question about the building of one’s own home! The experience reminds me of Sharni and Sue’s. They’re a lesbian couple and really felt that their tradesmen just couldn’t deal with dykes.

Sharni commented that it was very difficult being two women in a relationship together, dealing with all these blokes. ‘I can’t tell you how difficult it was. Because they’d come in, they’d see two women; they’d think, “Oh, two dykes” . . . We’d get this funny vibe from them all the time.’

‘Sometimes Sue would ask the roofer a question and he would just ignore her as if she hadn’t spoken . . . and I would see her ask him in the most polite, conciliatory way - and that’s how we did it with all of them, we tippy-toed around them all the time, which used to give me the shits - and I’d feel myself doing it and I’d be standing outside myself thinking, “Look at you! Why do you have to do this with these men?”‘

Julian’s boyfriend Mark wasn’t sure whether it was because Julian was gay or Hungarian or both, but he felt that many of the tradesmen were just downright rude.

Julian says that the plumbers upset him the most. ‘I was just trying to be nice and quiet because I need this job done,’ he said. ‘Whatever they are saying about me - I think they thought, “That Hungarian poof with money, he cannot tell us what we need to do.” And after they cut into the ceramic by mistake, of course they screamed at me: “Why you complain, you don’t see nothing, blah blah blah.” They cut the ceramic,’ he shakes his head. ‘I just wanted a normal job!’

Mark added that the reason it upset him so much was because ‘Julian should have thrown them off the site so fast they never touched the ground. If I’d been here I don’t know what I would have done. I said to Julian later, “If anyone’s ever that rude to you again, I don’t care who they are, can you just pick them up by the arse and kick them off the property?”‘

Trite but true: be yourself

Reviewing the interviews I did for the book, I saw that aside from all the rational tips to remember, there is another, more emotional, lesson I see from the personal stories I heard.

People like Sharni and Sue, Julian and mark, and others, each reported that they allowed themselves to be intimidated by the tradesmen or their builder. They all said they felt angry about doing that, like they’d let themselves down. I’ve done it myself, so I sympathise.

In my case, I was afraid that if I got the builder offside by being my usual assertive self, then he’d leave me in the lurch. Looking back, it would have been a blessing! (And as soon as I fired him and got back into the driver’s seat I was much, much happier.)

So this is a personal call, but my advice is while you should try and see it from your builder’s point of view as well as your own, you should also be yourself and avoid pussyfooting around. If you do, I can almost guarantee you’ll be much happier.